Spongebob Superpants
by Lex for President
Summary: Sponge bob episodes Smallville style.
1. Help Wanted

Spongebob Squarepants: Clark Kent

Gary: Shelby

Patrick: Chloe

Squidward: Lex

Mr. Krabs: Perry White

Krusty Krab: Daily Planet

Narrator: Me!!!

**Announcer:** Ah, the land. So fascinating. So wonderful. _(the grass spreads apart and we see a small town)_ Here, we see Smallville, teeming with life _(cut to Clark's farm, where we zoom in on his farm house)_, home to one of my favorite creatures, Clark Kent. Yes, of course he lives on a farm, you silly. _(zoom into his house, where Clark is sleeping on a bed. An alarm clock is on a table to his left and there's a diving board at the head of his bed. On the floor is a dog, on some newspaper and hanging from the ceiling is a bird in a cage. Zoom into the alarm clock, where the minute hand finally reaches the '12.' Then, the giant bell bellows out its noises. For a bit, Clark remains asleep, but when the force of the blows knocks his blanket off him, he wakes up and turns off the alarm. He then proceeds to walk up his bed ladder.)_  
Clark Kent Today's the big day, Shelby! _(referring to his doggy_  
Shelby Bark! _(Clark is jumping on the diving board)_  
Clark Kent: Look at me! I'm... _(jumps up, leaving his blue boxesr behind)_ ...naked! _(he then proceeds to jump into a pair of already-laid-open pants. He runs into a weight room of sorts, but there are no barbells, only stuffed animals)_ Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Shelby

Shelby Bark! _(Clark takes a deep breath and struggles to pick up the "weights." He finally does, but he's at the end of his rope. He manages to throw it in the air faintly and it falls on the floor with a little squeaking noise. Cut to outside)_  
Clark _(off-screen)_ I'M READY! _(Clark bolts out his front door and walks forward, and past Lex and Chloe's houses.)_ I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... _(Chloe, overhearing, opens her door, where she's been sleeping)_  
Chloe Go Clark! _(Cut to Clark looking at the Daily Planet.)_  
Clark There it is. The finest newspaper establishment ever established for reading. The Daily Planet. _(cut to the Daily Planet, which is so sparkly and perfect. Then, it belches out a line of smoke.)_ Home of the Daily Newspaper. With a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window! For years I've been dreaming of this moment! I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the editor, look him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and I can't do this! _(he runs, but Chloe blocks his way)_ Chloe!  
Chloe Where do you think you're going?  
Clark: I was just...  
Chloe: _(cutting him off)_ No you're not. You're going to the Daily Planet and get that job!  
Clark: But I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!  
Chloe: Whose first words were, "Lara?"  
Clark: Mine were.  
Chloe: Who made a newspaper out of printing paper?  
Clark I did.  
Chloe Who's a... _(thinks)_ ...uh, who's... _(thinks even harder)_ ...who's a loser?  
Clark: I AM!  
Chloe: Who's ready?  
Clark: I'm ready!  
Chloe: Who's ready?  
Clark: I'm ready!  
Chloe: Who's ready?  
Clark: I'M READY!! _(with his confidence restored, he runs toward the Planet. There, Lex is spraying the glass windows to eliminate graffiti of himself with the word 'Loser.' He sees Clark.)_  
Lex: Oh no, Clark. What could he possibly want?  
Clark: _(in background)_ Go Clark! Go Clark! Go self! Go self! _(Lex noticed the 'Help Wanted' sign and runs inside.)_  
Lex: Mr. White! _(cut to the office window, where Mr. White is smelling a handful of money. Lex runs up to him)_ Mr. White, before it's too late, I gotta tell you... _(too late.)_  
Clark: _(off-screen)_ Permission to come aboard, captain! _(cut to Clark, casting a shadow across the press room)_ _(manly voice)_ I've been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Planet Crew, _(regular voice)_ And now I'm ready. _(while walking, he accidentally steps on a nail. He trips and bounces all over the last. Lex and Mr. White just stare at each other. Clark finally comes to a stop)_ So, uh, when do I start?  
Perry: Well lad, it seems like you don't even have your land legs.  
Clark: Mr. White, please. I'll prove I'm paparazzi material. Ask Lex! He'll vouch for me.  
_(Perry and Lex walk to the corner, where Lex puts it plain and simple.)_  
Lex: No. _(Perry winks. The two walk back over.)_  
Perry: Well lad, we'll give you a test and if you pass, you'll be on the Planet Crew! Go fetch me... _(Clark pulls out a notepad)_ a, uh, hydrodynamic spatula with, ah, port-and-starboard-attachments, and turbo drive! And don't come back till you get one! _(Perry puts a newspaper hat on Clark. Clark, overjoyed, looks at himself in the mirror. He then gets serious)_  
Clark: Aye aye, captain! _(reading)_ One hydrodynamic spatula, port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up sir! _(he leaves)_  
Perry: Hurry on! _(to Lex)_ We'll never see that lad again.  
Lex: You're terrible! A hydro-what? _(the two laugh. Cut to outside, where Clark walks off. Just then, five buses come and encircle around the Planet. The doors open. Cut to Lex and Perry still laughing. Perry stops, then Lex.)_  
Perry: That sounded like hatch doors! _(Perry smells something, then close in on his wiggling eyes.)_ Do you smell it? That smell. The kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells smelly. _(his eyes bug open)_ _(silently)_ Paparazzi. Lex: What?  
Perry: PAPARAZZI!!! _(the paparazzi come in, hoards of them, just swarming and swarming. Lex tries to maintain some order)_  
Lex: Please, please, quiet! _(the Paparazzi stop bickering)_ Is this any way to behave, hmm?  
Paparazzi: Meep!  
Lex: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the coffee counter?  
_(moment of silence, then the paparazzi rock the ordering counter around a bit, very violently I might add. Cut to Clark, walking to a store shaped like a treasure chest.)_  
Clark: Barg'n Mart: meeting all your spatula needs. _(cut back to Lex and Mr. White, stuck in the ordering counter and being swung across, literally a sea of Paparazzi.)_  
Lex: One single file line was all I asked! _(cut to the counter being thrown up)_  
White: Button down the hatches, Mr. Luthor! _(getting thrown back up, the counter is in pieces)_ We're taking on water, Mr. Luthor! _(getting thrown back up again, Perry is holding Lex)_ I want my mommy, Mr. Luthor! _(cut back to Clark, shopping)_  
Clark: _(humming)_ Spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments _(cut back to the  
restaurant, where Lex and White are hanging onto a pole)_  
Perry: Climb, Mr. Luthor! Climb! _(they do climb and tidal wave after tidal wave of paparazzi nears closer and closer)_ Well, this is the end. Good-bye, Mr. Luthor!  
Lex: Oh Mr. White! _(the two start to cry. Then, some blinking red lights from off-screen illuminate the two. They look up to see, Clark with the spatula he was sent off to receive. He's using it as a propeller to keep him in air. He sings a tune as he arrives.)_  
Clark: Did someone order a spatula? _(Lex and Mr. White babble to themselves on how he obtained this)_ One hydrodynamic spatula with _(two other spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one)_ port-and-starboard attachments, and let's not forget the turbo drive! _(the two extending spatulas whirl around and smack Lex and Perry around)_ Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! _(Clark makes a double-spin and flies into the kitchen window)_ _(to paparazzi)_ Who's thirsty?  
_(a song starts as Clark flies through the ordering window. He lands in a box of coffee beans which come up in two piles impaled on his eyes. He proceeds to bug out his eyes in order to pop the beans onto the pan. Clark makes home made coffee and pours into mugs He shoots it out the window and it lands into a paparazzi's mouth. He then proceeds to make more coffee until all the paparazzi is served. As if to be a gun, Clark blows on the end of his spatula.)_   
_(Later, Lex, Perry and Clark stand by the restaurant. The ordering counter has been totally totaled and there's a giant sack of money next to it.)_  
Perry: That was the greatest press handling I've ever seen, Mr. Kent! Welcome aboard! _(Perry gives him a nametag with 'Clark Kent' written on it.)_  
Lex: But Mr. White-  
Perry: Three cheers for Clark! Hip-hip!  
Lex: _(weakly)_ Hooray, Mr.-  
Perry: Hip-Hip!  
Lex: _(quickly)_ Hooray, Mr.-  
Perry: Hip-hip!  
Lex: _(quickly)_ Hooray, Mr. White!  
Perry: I'll be in my quarters, counting the booty. _(he proceeds to drive a wheelbarrow full of money into his office. Then, Chloe walks in.)_  
Chloe: Good morning, Daily Planet!  
Lex: What would you like, Chloe?  
Chloe: One newspaper and a cappuchino. _(as if as a signal, Clark flies back through the ordering window via the coffee maker. Cut to outside, where Chloe gets hit by a wave of coffee mugs and is flung out the door.)_  
Lex: Mr. White! Mr. White! Mr. White, come see your new reporter...


	2. Clark, Lois, and the worm

Sandy: Lois Lane

Narrator: Ahh, another peaceful evening in Smallville. Listen to the tropical tranquility. _(we see the town of Smallville; something underground is tunneling and consumes the Smallville sign)_ Uh-oh. _(the tunneling thing moves on to the rest of Smallville; a cop is writing a ticket for a car parked near a fire hydrant; the thing, still invisible, makes eating noises; we then see that the car has disappeared, so the cop picks up the fire hydrant, moves it to the adjacent car, and places the ticket on that car, whistling as he walks away; the thing moves on to Clark's house; Shelby wakes up, sees the thing, and barks in terror; Clark is still fast asleep)_   
Clark: _(mumbling, half-asleep)_ Trick-or-treat. Thank you. _(the thing takes Clark's blanket)_ You keep the change. _(the thing takes Clark's pillow)_ What? _(he wakes up fully and stares fixedly at the thing in terror; camera zooms out to show half of the farm house's walls missing; new scene shows Clark talking to a crowd at the Planet)_ I saw it! It was big! It was all wiggly! And it ate everything!  
Chloe: That's horrible! _(gobbles down a whole tray of food, containers and all)_  
Clark: It was an Alaskan... Bull... Worm! _(each of the three words appears on screen; crowd murmurs worriedly)_  
Man 1: He ate my wheelbarrow! _(he has his wheelbarrow with a bite taken out of it)_  
Woman 1: He ate my children's homework! _(her two kids wink simultaneously and give a big thumbs-up)_  
Man 2: _(has a huge bite taken out of his butt)_ Do I need to say it?  
Man 3: _(crowd murmurs some more)_ How can we protect ourselves?  
Perry: I've got it! Let's all buy a Newspaper! _(crowd boos and throws Ink and paper at him)_  
Man 4: We should lock our doors!  
Man 5: We should call my nephew!  
Knight: We should dig a moat!  
Chloe: We should take Smallville and push it somewhere else! _(crowd immediately quiets down)_  
Lex: That idea may just be crazy enough... to get us all killed!! _(crowd resumes fretting)_  
Man 1: Let's get someone to go after it!

Perry: There ain't no one foolish enough to take on an Alaskan Bull Worm! _(a horrible screeching noise is heard; the crowd cringes; we see a scary-looking old guy in a raincoat with a hook for a hand, scraping it on the window of the Daily Planet; he stops)_  
Raincoat guy: You got a bathroom in this place?  
Perry: _(looks slightly peeved)_ In the back.  
Raincoat Guy: _(legs wobble)_ Thanks. _(he runs for it)_  
Lois: _(under a wide-brimmed army hat. Lois is wearing a protective suit so she won't get idiot germs.)_ I'll catch your worm for ya, that is, if'n you're willing to pay! _(tips brim up)_  
Perry: Noooo! You'll never get a cent out of me! _(runs to block the cash register with his body)_ Never! I'd rather that worm come in here right now and eat you all alive!!! _(begins foaming at the mouth; the crowd looks at him strangely; he calms down)_ Sorry.  
Lois: _(laughs good-naturedly)_ Aw shucks. I don't want your money. I was just playing up the drama of the moment, is all. _(Perry chuckles, which gradually turns into crying; Lois continues)_ Nope. I'm gonna take that spineless critter down for nothing, 'cause this is personal. Look. My belt's gone! _(she shows them; crowd gasps)_ Varmint must've got it while I had my back turned, the coward! _(crowd sympathizes)_ I am gonna get back what's mine! _(crowd cheers)_  
Clark: _(looks alarmed)_ What? But Lois, you don't know what you're up against. We're talking about an Alaskan... Bull... Worm! _(the three words appear on screen again)_  
Sandy: Well, I don't know nothing about Alaska, but looky here. _(she pulls out a wallet with pictures)_ Back in Texas I wrangled bulls, and I wrangled worms. _(we see pictures of a cartoon girl with a lasso around a bull, then a lasso around a worm)_ Far as I'm concerned, doing 'em both together just saves rope. Now I'm gonna go kick me some worm tail! Yee-haw! _(she runs to the doors of the Daily Planet; the crowd goes wild)_  
Clark: But Lois, you don't know!  
Lois: Don't worry, Clark. I won't be long. _(leaves)_  
Clark: _(chases after her)_ Lois! Lois!  
Perry: _(amidst the still-cheering crowd)_ Go get 'em, Sandy! We have the utmost confidence in you! _(crowd stops; Perry turns to Chloe)_ Now, what was that idea of yours?  
Chloe: PUSH! _(new scene shows all the citizens trying to push the buildings of Smallville; cuts back to Clark chasing after Lois)_  
Clark: Wait! Lois!  
Lois: Hey, Clark, you coming to watch?  
Clark: Lois, don't go!  
Lois: Why not?  
Clark: Lois, I saw it! It's big... scary... and pink! _(each word appears on the screen)_  
Lois: So's Chloe's mouth, but I ain't afraid of that neither!  
Clark: You'll get massacred! _(collapses into Clark-cubes)_  
Lois: Clark, I'm from Metropolis. What you think is big and what I think is big are two totally different "big"s. Besides, he's got my belt. I can't take that sitting down.  
Clark: Okay, but what if the worm didn't take your belt?  
Lois: If that worm ain't got my tail, who does?  
Clark: _(unconvincingly)_ Um, I do?  
Lois: You do? Where?  
Clark: Um... in my pocket.  
Lois: Well, why didn't you just say so? Give it here! Come on! _(Clark looks nervous, pulls something from his pocket, and opens his hand)_ Clark, that's a paper clip and a piece of string.  
Clark: _(shakes head)_ No, it's not. This is your belt.  
Lois: _(annoyed)_ Clark!  
Clark: _(defensively; tearing up)_ How would you know?! It's always around you! Oh, don't go, don't go, don't go! _(he jumps onto the front of Sandy's air helmet and hugs it)_  
Lois: _(pulls him off)_ Clark, what is the matter with you? Now, I'm gonna go give that legless rascal what-for, and there ain't nothing you can say to stop me! _(resumes walking)_  
Clark: Oh yeah? What if I said... 'blargen fedibble no-hip'?  
Lois: _(stops)_ Well, I gotta admit, that slowed me down, but I'm still going for him! _(continues)_  
Clark: _(appears next to Lois as she strides along)_ You know, belts are so overrated. Let's just forget about it and go home. _(Lois keeps walking; Clark reappears)_ I've got ice cream! With nuts... _(Lois continues; Clark appears once more, this time with a goofy old man mask on his face)_ Lois, this is your pappy speaking, and I forbid you to go after this worm! Y'all come back here, young lady!  
Lois: You ain't my pa!  
Clark: _(stands in front of her with boxing gloves)_ Lois, if you want to get to that worm, you're gonna have to go through me! _(Lois pushes through his body as if walking through a pair of swinging doors; he grabs her ankles, sobbing)_ Lois, no! I can't let you! I'm not gonna let you get killed. If you find him, you'll get eaten for sure!  
Lois: Ain't no way some dumb old land worm's gonna make a meal of me. I'm too city tough!  
Clark: _(still sobbing and holding onto her ankles)_ No, not tough enough. Not tough enough!  
Lois: Clark, quit your worrying. I can take care of myself. After all, who's the strongest critter in Smallville? _(she grabs an anchor and pulls a boat down from the heavens)_  
Clark: You are.  
Lois: And who put the hi-yah, hi, ho, "K" in karate? _(makes a K shape)_  
Clark: _(makes a U shape)_ You did.  
Lois: And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?  
Clark: _(his butt has "Property of Lois Lane" printed on it)_ You do.  
Lois: Right. And I can handle your little bull worm too, 'cause I am the best there is! There ain't nothin' too big or too ornery for me to catch.  
Clark: Okay.  
Lois: Say it.  
Clark: There isn't anything...  
Lois: Ain't nothin'!  
Clark: _(in a high-pitched voice like Lois)_ Ain't nothin' _(normal voice)_ too big or too ornery for you to catch. But... _(Lois cuts him off)_ But... _(cuts him off again)_ And... _(cuts him off again)_ We... _(cuts him off again)_ I... _(cuts him off again)_ Yeah but...  
Lois: No!  
Clark: You see...  
Sandy: No!  
Clark: I... _(Sandy cuts him off one last time with a frustrated groan)_  
Lois: _(picks up some sand from the ground as if tracking an animal and sniffs it)_ Worm sign. _(she holds a small sign in her palm that has "WORM" painted on it; looks up)_ He's in that cave.  
Clark: Lois, are you sure you...?  
Lois: Course I am! I'm going in, and I ain't coming out 'til I got me a big heaping plate of worm stew. _(she walks into the cave; Clark hides behind a rock and shudders; we hear Lois inside the cave)_ Aha! There you are, you belt-nabbin' varmint! Hi-yah! _(we hear karate noises; Lois peeks out of the cave)_ I'm winnin', Clark! _(resumes fighting)_  
Clark: Lois, that's not...! _(more fighting noises; Sandy peeks out again)_  
Lois: This shouldn't take long. _(resumes fighting)_  
Clark: Lois, that's not...!  
Lois: Almost done!  
Clark: Lois!  
Lois: Yee-haw! _(comes out riding a pink segmented thing)_ I got him, Clark! _(makes a giant knot and stands on it proudly)_  
Clark: _(still uneasy)_ Lois...?  
Lois: Boy, howdy. This critter put up some sort of fight. But I'm from the city, and as you can see, no worm is a match for me. I even found my belt! _(we see that she has tied the belt to her pants)_  
Clark: That's not the worm.  
Lois: Pardon?  
Clark: That's not the worm. That's his tongue. _(camera zooms out to show that Clarkis right; the opening of the cave is actually the worm's open mouth; his eyes make a squishy blinking noise)_  
Lois: Ohhhh. This is the tongue, and... _(trailing off)_ the whole thing... is the... worm. _(freaks out)_ RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! _(they sprint away; the worm growls angrily, chomps down, and chases after them)_  
Clark: So what's the plan, Lois? _(they look back and see that the worm is approaching faster)_  
Lois: Run faster!!  
Clark: I could've thought of that. Hey, wait a minute! I was right, wasn't I?!  
Lois: Later!  
Clark: Ah, he is too big for you, isn't he?  
Lois: Not now, Clark!  
Clark: I wanna hear you say it!  
Lois: Can we talk about this another time?  
Clark: Say it!  
Lois: Clark!  
Clark: Say it, or I'll trip you! _(he continues running on one foot, the other poised to trip Lois)_  
Lois: No!  
Clark: Say it!  
Lois: Not now!  
Clark: Say it!  
Lois: Okay! You were right, and I was wrong. I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Are you happy now?  
Clark: _(devilishly)_ I knew it. _(the worm emits another huge growl; prompting the two to run even faster; they run up and down a sand mound, which the worm plows right through; they run past Man 2, who is leaning over under his car's hood; his butt is bandaged up; the worm passes by and takes another bite out of him)_  
Man 2: Not again!  
Clark: Uh, Lois?  
Lois: Yeah?  
Clark: What do we do now?  
Lois: _(is panting and sweating; the worm growls again; Lois sees the seemingly endless tree in front of them)_ I've got it! Clark, you still got that paper clip and that string?  
Clark: I'm way ahead of you, Lois. _(fashions a necklace out of them)_ Look, it's a necklace! S for "Spongebob" or S for "Sandy"! That way they can identify t.v charecters.  
Lois: No, silly! How about S for "save our skins"? _(she takes the string and uses the hook of the paper clip to wrap the string around the tree; she grabs Clark and swings them up and over the branch onto the worm's back)_ Yee-haw! Now this is what I call a rodeo! We'll be nice and safe up here. _(the worm starts to plow off a cliff like a runaway train; Lois and Clark realize this, scream, and begin running toward the end of worm to the safety of the plateau; they jump off safely as the worm falls off the cliff)_ We did it!  
Clark: Yay! He'll never get out of there!  
Lois: We saved the town!  
Clark: Yay! Let's go tell everybody! _(new scene shows all the citizens still trying to push Smallville to safety; the city is now in the valley at the bottom of the cliff)_  
Chloe: PUSH! PUSH!  
Citizens: Hooray!! _(the worm, still falling, lands on the city and smashes it to bits)_  
Worm: Ouuuuuch.


End file.
